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Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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4:29 pm - Enough is Enough
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Due to the recent and may I add, SUDDEN interest in my livejournal, I am making a choice to discontinue this livejournal. I suppose I misjudged giving out my LJ name to those who cant handle my thoughts, and my way of thinking. To those who make out my words into something big that they were not...all I have to say....is: You don't know me at all.
To those who defended me and told me that their reactions were offensive and were questioning why they were being rude....thank you for standing up for me when it counted.
And with all the drama put aside..I close this chapter of my life's book.
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| Friday, November 16th, 2001
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5:36 pm
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As much as I do sincerely love being teamed up on, and I do enjoy discussions that people think I am too young to understand (especially the depth of 'love')...I am not going to be answering my telephone tonight...Dave will be here, and if you want to get ahold of me, im me on jengangl. Otherwise, call and leave a message... I would just like to make it known, that I am very hurt by some things said to me by a friend of a friend....and I really do not want to talk to anyone because of it. It really took my self esteem and pride to a lower level...It seems no matter where I go, I am seen as nothing but the trivial and unimpotant 16 year old. Oh well. Life goes on. So will I. I have too much in my life to dwell on negativity...but I also have too much in me to ignore it either. Therefore....I will probably be hard to reach tonight.
talk to you later kids..
xoxo
*Listening to: Radiohead-Nice dream*
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3:28 pm
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Words to live by....hehe...well not necessarily..but good ones...heh
Modest mouse 'doin the cockroach'
I was in heaven
I was in hell
Believe in neither
but fear them as well.
This one' s a doctor
This one's a lawyer
This one's a cash fiend
taking your money
Back of the metro
Ride on the greyhound
Drunk on the Amtrack..
PLEASE SHUT UP!
Another rider
he was a talker
talking about TV
Please shut up...
This one's a crazer
Daydreaming disaster
The origin of junk food
rutting through garbage
tasty but worthless
dog's eat their own shit
we're doing the cockroach..yea
one year, twenty years, forty years, fifty years down the road in your life you'll look in the mirror and say......'my parent's are still alive.'
You move your mouth, you shake your tongue, you vibrate my eardrums You're saying words..but you know....I aint listening...You're walking down the street..your face, your lips, your hips, your eyes they meet...you're not hungry though....
You're saying everything...you now you don't mean anything at all...you're not hungry though.
Well late last winter down below the equator they had a summer that would make you blister oh my mind is all made up so i have to sleep in it....(x3)
Oh....this song makes me think too much...ow! Brain meats..
xoxoxo
current mood:  annoyed
current music: See above entry
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| Thursday, November 15th, 2001
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10:12 pm - Long time no write
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Well. For those who care, I am alive. I am here. Doing well I suppose. (Perhaps that is actually just my exhaustion talking?) Any how....Oh! A new event is that I took the purple thingy off of my window and bought a black thing of material (the same that my bed-spread is made out of) and bought shower rings, and an adjustable shower rod, and made myself some drapes! No sun will get into my room!! BAHAHAH!
Yea..I know...I'm a loser. What can I say? There has been some drama with a few members of my gender at my new school..but do I care? No. Are they still talking? Probably, they tried to jump me...but never made a move...(yes...they are one of THOSE girls)They are dumb...But on another note! Dave and I just had an anniversary on the 9th!!! That was fun... and I found out on November the 13th I will be singing for my grandma's company Christmas Party. That should be really fun for me. It's been a long time since I got to be on a stage...It will be just like old times....
God I really miss the band. The Unity. I guess good times cant last forever right? Wrong. I dont know why I wrote that..I dont believe that. I have had nothing but good times with dave....New concept FYI=good in jen's life....now THERE'S a thought..Even now sometimes I trip out on the fact that I am important in someone else's life...I am worth something to someone.....god it is new....I like it.
Yes...'the teenage angst brigade' and I head the calvary......but you know what? This journal is just my deepest thoughts. This Journal is what I write in, when so much is going on in my head, I cant just sort it all through with thought anymore..I need to write it all down...even if it ends up sparatic. Which is why when I am forced to edit out 'certain peoples' names...it is aggrivating. I know i am in THEIR thoughts...and they know they are in mine. From time to time that is. I actually have better things to do with my time then wallow in my own self pity of what was. I now am happy, with what IS. Instead of just assuring people 'yea, I am happy..you make me happy...' I feel it. I can say 'there is nothing wrong.' Nothing is. Nothing in the world can touch me. I am INVINCIBLE....well, that went a little too far....but I am happy.
An ex boyfriend of mine, told me that his girlfriend, who reads my livejournal... thinks that it is like a Soap Opera. News to both of them...WAKE THE FUCK UP! (forgive my language) LIFE IS DRAMA! As long as you wake up the morning and step out side, in SOME way...SOME how....you will encounter some sort of drama. Yes...I hate it. I hate drama but you know what? I dont surround myself in it. I write my deep thoughts here...and everyone's deep thoughts are dramatic. You want to murder someone? Thats dramatic? You want to kill yourself? That's drama....you love someone...sadly...it is drama...cause you dont know what the future will throw on your plate....you dont know what you two will have to encounter as a team...so to them BOTH...in response to my 'soap opera' lifestyle.....I say....FUCK YOU BOTH..if you have a problem with any of that? Bring it up with God.
Anyway...enough of that....DAVE COMES OVER TO SPEND THE NIGHT TOMORROW! Yay! He stopped by tonight just to say hi...what an angel...I played susie homemaker...and fixed the holes in his trench coat..what can I say? I am just that cool...*cough*
For now, I bid farewell, for the faint sound of my bed calling my name....is getting louder by the second. I go now, to lay my head upon my lovely black pillows!!!! Goodnight! And all my love!
xoxoxoxoox
current mood:  drained
current music: Vent -When I drown, Pearl Jam- Footsteps
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9:47 pm - Long time no write
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Well. For those who care, I am alive. I am here. Doing well I suppose. (Perhaps that is actually just my exhaustion talking?) Any how....Oh! A new event is that I took the purple thingy off of my window and bought a black thing of material (the same that my bed-spread is made out of) and bought shower rings, and an adjustable shower rod, and made myself some drapes! No sun will get into my room!! BAHAHAH!
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| Sunday, October 14th, 2001
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10:43 pm - Bored
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Institutionalized learning is such a waste. Instead of taking only the classes that will help you in your desired profession, we are forced to learn completely unrelated things. Why does someone who wants to be a scientist need to take civics? Why does art major need to study math? The children...are not interested in school, they are afraid not to pass. What kind of facist society is our republic to force children into fearing for their future from age six?
I will have no part of it. My children (if any at all) will learn not to fear their future. But to live life in the moment. My children will not be afraid to live..and grasp life with both hands.
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| Saturday, October 6th, 2001
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3:53 am - thinking..
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I hate being alone with my thoughts. My mind leads to one thing...my heart leads to another...they battle...I lose...no one wins. Inner conflict.
I love Dave more than I thought capable. I am not used to someone caring so much about me back....I dont know what the hell I am doing...I am usually not a Jealous person...and I want to brush it aside and say 'first time for everything' but I cant. There is just something in the way she looks at him that I cant stand. She has no right to look at him like that. How I look at him...with eyes of love...and adoration.
I'm hurting..and for the first time ever...i cant tell him. He will be crushed. I cant tell him that her being at his house bothers me....I can't tell him that I am unsure of her intentions. I cant tell him that. I try, but she stands in the way. That would require an actual ONE PERSON conversation. I cant even type...I cant take much more of this. I cant i cant i cant. I hate this. I hate myself. My emotions...me. I hate my mind. I hate it. No...I love me....but I hate me when I am like this. I dont blame dave for wanting to go to amsterdams tonight. He could have come to get me...but I mean...with Jillian...i'd rather not. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the day IIIIII get a turn to be with him. Tuesday was great. Alone with him. Tomorrow shall be the day.....and tomorrow is enough. It just hurts right now. I love him soo much.I will tell him I feel. HE will understand. Maybe dave can make some sense of me...because I sure cant. I cant understand my own emotions. I'm a basketcase. Or I'm just insane....
'Here I stand..foot in hand...talking to the walls..I'm not quite right at all....am I?'
current mood:  crushed
current music: Nothing...too sad to listen to anything.
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| Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
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3:28 am - Every shitty thing.
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So confused. A multitude of feelings. Happiness...sadness...excitement..dread...
How could I....the one who claims to be so good inside..and so forthright...hurt someone...How could I purposely hurt someone...my intentions were not good....they were instead, completely apathetic. Do I apologize? No. Do I feel like a bitch? Yes. This is just a gross feeling I cannot shake.
What was I supposed to do? Cast away someone who had nowhere else in the world to go? What would I have given to have someone...believe in me enough to take me in when I needed it...what would I have given...I will be damned if I turn away someone who needs a friend. No matter the type of person...no matter the details of their past..no matter their type of drugs. If they are good to me, and need a place to stay, I will not...no...I CANNOT turn them away. I'm a savior. I try to help everyone I can. Yes, I know I cannot save everyone but that doesn't mean that I should stop trying. Even if it is just a small fraction of a memory in Jillian's mind..it will have been worth it to me, because when she looks back...she will see...that someone actually did a nice thing for her. Someone actually helped her without expecting anything back. She may not be my best friend...but I consider her a friend.
I broke a promise. But I could have aided to the destruction of someone's already tattered soul...which will I choose? You tell me. Those who know me....if someone has a problem..who is always there to help them fix it? I am. If anyone ever needs anything..money...a kind word...a shoulder to cry on...someone to talk to....who's there? I am. I am always there for everyone. But I broke a promise. I hate liars. I hate broken promises. I guess...I am at the dull beginning..of hating myself.
current mood:  hot
current music: Dead Kennedy's-MTV GET OFF THE AIR
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
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8:27 pm - Yesterday...
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In the wise words of John Lennon....
IMAGINE
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Yesterday, I lost a very dear friend of mine. One of many innocent bystanders, who were crushed underneath falling debris. My thoughts are as follows. Whomever is truly responsible for this horrible crime, should, and will be punished. What was accomplished by the murder, and injury of so many innocent people? All that was accomplished yesterday, was anger...and saddness. How sickening was it to see fellow human beings in Afganistan rejoicing of this tragedy in America? Perhaps it was easy to rejoice when it was not their brothers, their mothers, their wives, or their children that were savagely murdered. Yes, I did only know one person who died very intimately..but the rest who died yesterday I knew as well....'They were Americans'
I extend my deepest compassion and empathy to all of the grieving families, and they will be in my thoughts.
I suppose it is even more true now....While you may be through with the past...the past aint through with you yet.
No, I am not a religious person at all...but I find this interesting... In the bible it says and I quote...
2 Timothy
3:1
'There will be terrible times in the last days. For people will only love themselves and their money. They will be boastful, proud, scoffing at god, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful...they will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control..they will have no interest in what is good. They will betray friends, be reckless, have swelled pride, and desire pleasure rather than god. They will act religious, but will reject the power that could make them godly. Have nothing to do with them.'
Interesting..I must say...interesting.
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| Monday, September 3rd, 2001
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4:37 pm - Marcus is sweet
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Marcus Davis just imed me to say 'hey jen i gotta jet right now but have a nice day i love ya' I was like....awwww...how cute!
I'm talking to tony....remember tony? Tonis Balonis? As in Tony Detwiler...I told you about him mandy....hot Italian boy that Tiffany set me up with in the 6th grade? That would be him...I found him out of the blue on aol...and we just started talking. Talk about some weird times...lol...Tony and I had some weird times.
Dave might be home tonight...that would make me really happy...but I doubt it...
Im talking to this chick melodi too...matt had her im me she goes to hbhs....that's cool. maybe i will know someone.yay!
Heh, my mom is on the phone with Nana downstairs and she thinks I can't hear her...lol....I keep hearing her tell Nana about her new man 'steve'...steve this..steve that...I have a question...when I heard sex sounds coming from steve's house (he is our neighbor) and then last night when aaron came over..we were in my room..walked down the hall..and heard the springs on the bed bouncing....and then why was the main menu music for the DVD of american pie keep playing for 30 minutes? I don't want to know....I know the real answer and it sickens me. It's like...one of those things you just don't want to think about. Dave said once that he has never ever heard his parents having sex...i know my mom has sex....which is extremely scary....oh! and why was there an empty box of Trojan 'ultra sensitive' condoms in her pantie drawer? THAT'S JUST SO FUCKING WRONG ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS!
I start school tomorrow..damn....I am nervous.....it's like Im a mouse being dangled in front of a very hungry snake....The anticipation is killing me. There are a lot of pretty girls...and I heard that it's stuck up there...but at least I get to start all over. I get to go into the school....and have no one know a damn thing about me. No serena and serein calling me a slut and a bitch behind my back....no people that call me ugly and retarded..no more people who try to throw me down a flight of cement steps...None of that. All new...Change is good in some cases i guess..at least i have a strong support force-field type thingy to fall back on. ( i,e. andrew, craig, dave, megan, elysse, andria)
I am such a nerd..I haven't been this nervous since my first time being alone with dave....lol.....and that dissipated in like 10 seconds...but this...I have been nervous for the past three months! ugh! god, i need to go to court and get my citation cleared up. God damn facist police officers. Making me come to court to profess that i didn't commit a crime. Ok, yes, I had it in my hand...but who has the proof that i was gunna smoke it? It wasn't lit..I didn't have any lighters on me..I didn't have any cigarettes....but noooo..since it was the IPD, I get fucking reprimanded and mandated to come to court for a crime i did NOT commit. I don't know how much more clear I need to be on that issue but it makes me livid that it keeps being pressed. And it makes me even more angry that i am still being punished for it at home...I mean...only from dave..and only when its not a 'help cathi-help jen' situation. If it is convienent for her to allow me to see dave because he can drive me somewhere i need to be..then i can see him more. Here i am, the end of my summer (literally) and I haven't even gotten to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend..and for what? A misdemeanor? For a crime I did NOT commit? This is fucking ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Oh well..the sooner I get to be free of this leverage..the better. As soon as I go to court, I am free. Free at last....free at last..thank...well...I am free at last. Hmm....odd...
' I never thought i'd come to this' I never thought I'd be in this position....ever....
Men...want me..why? why? Sam told me he wants a date with me after dave and I (which FREAKS me out beond belief) and then there is Matt..who lives in san clemente but wants to date me when he gets a car in december...I cant make it any more abundantly clear.... I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE OTHER THAN DAVID. goodness. Sam freaked me out tho...I mean..I love him..he is a great guy..but he is just not my type..i could never be with anyone....(forgive me) who is overweight. Fact of the matter is...It's not that I think I am above overweight people..I'm saying that i just am not attracted to people who are overweight. I am..just not. Esp. someone who i thought was like my best friend, platonically...and now he is interested in me? and wants me for a date? Too weird....
I will end my entry right now...
with this..
LIFE IS FUCKING WEIRD SOMETIMES.
current mood:  happy
current music: The Get up Kids-10 minutes, Red Letter day
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2:11 am - Been a while..
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Hey kids..
It's been a while since I actually wrote in here..I start school on Sept 4...Dave is out of town right now..HE is in Yuma, Arizona...hunting with Jon, and Chris. Boys trip. I hope he is okay...he might be home tomorrow but I don't know. I miss him...this is the longest we haven't talked. So much to catch up on....a lot has happened in the last couple of days. All I know...is that I got an email from mandy..telling me about her man ricky...and i was excited for her. She is in love. That got me to thinking....I really haven't stopped to think about how much Dave really means to me...I'm sure it's obvious to everyone else...but I guess I just didn't think about it..I thought about the first time he told me he loved me...and I don't think I have ever....ever been that happy. I don't know..every day that passes...I fall for him a little more. Is it because of the way he looks at me? Is it the way he touches me? Is it the way he kisses me? I can't figure it out..and for the first time in my life...I just know. I know I love him. I don't need to try to convince myself that I am in love. Bizarre...I cant even believe i am as lucky as I am today. I am. I am lucky.
I love him very much.....and I love heather and Mandy a lot too....
night for now....
*my friend john says to say that he is about to beat off to some internet celebrity porn, and that Johnny Thunders is god*
current mood:  blank
current music: Jimmy Eat World- For me this is Heaven
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| Monday, August 27th, 2001
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1:12 am - Hmm....
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Sitting here, contemplating the lyrics to this portishead song. It says 'give me a reason to be a woman'. I cant help but think about how true that is....I mean seriosuly, the other guys I have been in relationships with before..never made me feel like anything but a cheap whore. To be used and thrown away when the time is right for the guy to throw me away. Once they got what they wanted from me...whether it was a self-esteem boost, or a kind word, someone to talk to or whatever the case was. Finally..in a relationship where I dont need to say anything...or do anything..Im loved for who I am..not what I can do for someone. I was getting so sick, and so fucking tired, of every guy telling me that I am an angel, or that they are 'so lucky to have me' and then they discard me like I'm no better than a Los Angeles crack whore. I mean, I have been cheated on...and lied to...and led on..and many other various things that I DARE not mention. I found myself today..even in the midst of my mother being a &^*&^&(*&(*&(*&#(#)@)@(!&!^!!!!!!...and me making my pancakes at 2:00pm in the afternoon(btw, new concoction...pancakes with mint chocolate chips), I was thinking about how lucky I am to be in a healthy relationship. It's funny the things I contemplate when I am cooking. It's never about *what* I am cooking...instead, it's about the day I had, or the way things have worked out for me. It's nice to finally be able to say..that the grass is greener on THIS side..and I am loving just standing here, basking in the warm sun and drinking from life's cool waters. I am calm. I am content. Yes, as always, there is always my lingering sadness...but that is also just part of me..and me being a woman..and me being...very....'Jen'. lol..in fact, this entire entry is very 'Jen'. lol..I use my name as a clarification of my mood..lol....Im a weirdo.
Things are sort of freaky for me right now..I start a new school on sept 4th....I am getting really sick of most of my friends. Today I got this letter from craig spargo in my email box, saying how he 'fucking hates spam..how many times can someone read the same survey..fuck this..fuck that..blah blah blah'. I read it and basically just scoffed and said whatever. However, it takes a very angry person to write such things. It however, takes a very sad person to actually believe that he didn't enjoy reading those surveys. I dont know about everyone else...but I dont particularly enjoy being cussed at through email. Especially when he didn't even have the common decency to show who he sent that letter to...I mean..he sent it CC so, I couldn't see if he sent it to anyone other than me. I asked others, and they got it too. I however...wrote this back to him..
Craig~
Well, when I first recieved your email..I was shocked...but, then I remembered, ah yes, you have done this once before...To Carlyn about her chain letter about NHS's Snowball....I am very sorry if us sending you our surveys has made you upset. Truly, I'm sorry. And yet, it saddens me that you would write to us all in such a manner. It takes a very sad, and very angry person to write such foul-mouthed, extremely un-intelligent rubbish....But it takes an even angrier person to actually send it out to about 50 of your so-called 'friends'. In response to your email....Please do ME a favor...keep your profanity and vulgarity out of my mailbox.
~Jen Coulter
That being said..
I dont have much else to say. Except this
'Doubt in yourself, is a very negative thought. Doubt in others, is a very negative thought.
But when people doubt you, its a very negative feeling.'~ Me
current mood:  crazy
current music: Portishead-Glory Box
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| Friday, August 17th, 2001
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10:22 pm - Lonely on a Friday night
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Well, well, well...what a shocker...here I am....on a Friday...lol....in my new house (yay!) doing naaaahhthing. Ah well, I'm talking to mandy, so that's good.
It's great shes finally started to live for herself.. That is so rad..I always knew she would be the one to do it before anyone else...I always knew I liked that gurl ;)
Somethings are on my mind tho...you know...
I hate politicians....I'm sitting here at home watching our congressmen ,vote for certain bills and pass laws. It is so funny to me that they make their decisions based on 'the good of the American People' Honestly....their decisions are merely beneficial to the upper class of the United States rather than the Masses. Gas prices sky-rocket, The Military at a staggering new height (or shall I say....low....If President George Dubbya Bush thinks that by making our military even larger and more powerful is going to be beneficial to the 'masses' he has another thing coming....Just wait until China, or Iran or any other country get's intimidated by the size of the American Army..they will start building another type of atomic bomb. It honestly frightens me that our President is such a fucking jackass. I know Middle School kids who are more capable of pronouncing 'Slovadan Milosivich' than this empty headed moron who represents our country....
At least Bill Clinton knew how to give a speech. Bill Clinton was in all actuality, a good president. Kept his promises, now his ethics and morality are seperate issues. Yes, he lost the trust of the American People because he lied about his adultery with Monica Lewinsky...but at LEAST..the very LEAST....he did get the lower class people more job opportunities...Fucking republican bastard...he does not understand or give a shit about how our enviroment is slowly being eaten away by major corporations and pollution..when will fucking people realize that this planet is all we got....what's going to happen when All that is left is Major Corporations? Where will there 'private jets' and expensive wine travel to? No vacationing places...no OXYGEN...what are we going to do, just become one huge Giant Irvine? A huge bubble where nothing comes in and nothing goes out? No..but that is where we are headed. But at least all the people who voted for Bush will be happy in their Vice President positions and with their sports cars...and their huge houses...
I am going to stop..Usually I can rant better than this but people are making me laugh currently and its getting way difficult to say what i want to say! lol
ttyl..
Heather sucks! Boohiss!
current mood: bitchy
current music: Plumb-Damaged, Drugstore Jesus
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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10:13 pm - In regards to 'someones' parent(s)
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( Yes I am aware i havent written in awhile..i am sorry)
These lyrics..are so perfect for anyones family...mostly..someone I love very much...
Dick Lips
Please mom
You ground me all the time
I know that I was right all along
And I'm hoping
Remember I'm a kid
I know not what I did
Just having fun
You couldn't wait for something new
And yesterday I thought of you
It left me to think as if I couldn't walk away
It's too late, I fell through
Nothing to lose
A boy who went out
When he finished all his chores
Nothing to do
They can't trust me
Because I blew it once before
Shit dad
Please don't kick my ass
I know I've seen you trashed
At least one time
Can I blame it
On one of my dumb friends
It's been awhile
Since I have used that line
You couldn't wait for something new
And yesterday I thought of you
It left me to think as if I couldn't walk away
It's too late, I fell through
Nothing to lose
A boy who went out
When he finished all his chores
Nothing to do
They can't trust me
Because I blew it once before
Nothing to lose
A boy who went out
When he finished all his chores
Nothing to do
They can't trust me
Because I blew it once before
That line 'a boy who went out when he finished all his chores' that's perfect....
I don't know..I try to be a good person, and a sweet girl but I guess I am just too bad...Parents either really like me..or don't trust me. I don't like game playing..I don't like 'sure honey you are welcome any time' when I look into his mother's eyes and can see the distrust. My image...my attitude...my aura often sends people the wrong message...I'm really not such a bad person..I am not going to corrupt and destroy everyone's children..I am not that bad. Yes, I have an authority problem. Yes, I have a problem with people disrespecting me..yes I have flaws. I don't know which is more intimidating to adults, the fact that I know what my flaws ARE....or that I have them....
I know I am not perfect...but I am not the spawn of satan and maker of evil either....I don't know what it is...
Image is not everything...why does it mean everything? I am so angry and hurt right now I could kill someone...and not feel bad about it....I have had ENOUGH of people judging me and people telling me that I am nothing and ASSUMING because I have multicolored hair, and piercings that I have no goals..and no aspirations and that the only thing I am out for...and the only thing I want is sex and drugs. I am not that way. I am not that way..and I never have been...and I never will be. I admit I have made my mistakes....but I am not....impure of heart or mind.
current mood: depressed
current music: Blink 182-Dick Lips, Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody
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| Monday, July 30th, 2001
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6:16 pm - Tomorrow!!!
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*in the tune of the conga line song* I come home tomorrow..I come home tomorrow....yay!!!!!!!!!!
My plane arrives at 3:38 pm..and David will be there waiting for me....Im sooo happy to be seeing him again...I have been emo all day today....
It's kind of sad tho, that I will be gone from my family again...but it's okay..the trip was more than worth it. I absolutely lovvvvveeeee it here..but I came to the conclusion...that I would love to live here...but not alone...
I need to go finishing packing..
*continues song again* going home tomorrow..
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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2:10 am - Insomnia theatre
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2 days 13 hours 18 minutes.......
Not that Dave are keeping track..or anything..*coughcoughbullshitcoughcough*
I GOT MODEST MOUSE TICKETS!!! FOR SEPTEMBER THE 14TH!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! It's at the Anaheim House of Blues!
*does the happy crazy dance...followed by the old man butt shake*
Oh..I love this band...sosososoossooooooo very much.
Dave went to San diego tonight..with a bunch of friends...he called me long distance...from a friends cellphone..free of charge....that was way sweet..he also told me he loved me in front of his friends tonight...I didn't expect him to say it back. YAY!
He's online...time for me to talk to me baby!
NIghty night!
xoxoxo
current mood:  anxious
current music: Modest Mouse- Third Planet, Diff. City,
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2001
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3:23 am - Ranting..and no raving..i hate glowsticks
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I was just listening to this song....'to a husband at war' and this song is so powerful....so I thought I would write the lyrics down here.
To a husband at war~
*Your things are here but you're over there. And in between land, sea, everything. I hope you're warm, and I hope you think of me and the way things used to be...
Yesterday, a telegraph said that you had died, but I knew, but i know that it was a lie. I tried to laugh, but went back to my room and cried. I mean our room...I went back to our room and cried.
Retreat and come back home.*
Sad huh? I always thought about how much the wives and children of soldiers suffered...but it is way cool someone wrote a song about it. I mean the line about going to 'our' room to cry...that is so...emotionally striking to me.
Ugh..the cruelties of war...
Why is it that adults try to teach children at a young age to avoid violence..and tell them to try to talk things out before a fight breaks out...Then you get older..and it suddenly becomes okay to fight..but you are fighting no longer for your honor...it becomes okay to murder innocent people. As i see it...they are innocent...they are fighting for the same reasons we are. We are both set out to kill each other....we were both raised with the same nationalism..and to take pride in our country...when did pride in your country mean...fight in a war?
where along the line of growing out of adolescence...did the political masses lose the morality they once had as children? When did it become okay to send out 1,000 troops..and when none come home say.. "oh well..we will send 3,000 to this part and make those bastards pay" The casualties are just numbers to the political and economic machines...but as I see it...
That 1,000 people that died..that is 1,000 families that will never see their father, brother, uncle etc ever again. A man, who will never see his children again.A man's wife..who will never say 'good morning' to her husband again..and she will never be able to cook him breakfast.....It's 1,000 families grieving and mourning the death of a loved one...and why? what for? We have no need to fight for independence....or freedom. We won the good fight....why fight now? To maintain reputation? Call me crazy..but I do NOT want to become reputable for killing innocent people. Wasting lives...
God forbid we get into a war with today's new technology. At least in the old days..it was still wrong to maim and murder for your country..but you at least saw your enemy..and killed him with your sword..and your might...and your gun...now you don't even need to watch your enemies faces melt away from the chemicals in the H-bomb. Therefore...I suppose it makes it easier to kill....almost guilt free. You don't see your enemies face as you kill him...you dont think of his family..his wife....his children....Classic quote.... "If a tree falls..and no one is around to see it...does it make a sound?" Search..destroy...kill..kill..kill...Militant people are machines...their only setting is to destroy...never mind how beautiful....destroy.
I am done for the moment..but I will probably write more later...heh...bye bye!
Love ya'll
xoxoxoxo
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Modest Mouse-Stars are Projectors
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| Friday, July 27th, 2001
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2:02 am - I hate myself (lol....great band...i dont actually hate myself)
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this was a part of andrew and i's conversation tonight...as you can tell..he was tired..I was being weird...as usual....
~Jen xoxoxo
Werdna OKI: hehe
Jenswicked2: i am eating cooler ranch chips
Jenswicked2: they taste good.
Werdna OKI: lol
Werdna OKI: i'm hurgnry!
Jenswicked2: hurgnry?
Jenswicked2: me too!
Werdna OKI: lol
Werdna OKI: but i dont have chips
Jenswicked2: get some
Werdna OKI: :-P
Jenswicked2: *holds them out in front of andrew* wannnnnntt sommmmeeeee?
Werdna OKI: *desperately grabbing*
Werdna OKI: pleease!
Jenswicked2: *holds them* take them andj...so close..
Jenswicked2: and yet...
Jenswicked2: so far...
Werdna OKI: :-P
Werdna OKI: my arms dont reach to idaho
Jenswicked2: they dont?
Jenswicked2: im sorry to hear that..
Jenswicked2: what a shame
Werdna OKI: mean!
Jenswicked2: :)
Jenswicked2: yes..yes I am..
Jenswicked2: and what are you gunna do about it?
Jenswicked2: Nothing!
Werdna OKI: may you and your infernal chips see the damnation of the underworld!
Jenswicked2: No no darkprince...do not punish your humble minion as such!
Werdna OKI: lol
Jenswicked2: come on..bring it on satan...come on...im waitin..whatcha gonna do..huh?
Werdna OKI: *pokes jen with pitchfork*
Werdna OKI: ok
Werdna OKI: i'm going to sleep now
Jenswicked2: ow!
Jenswicked2: you are?
Jenswicked2: its only 1
Werdna OKI: yeah
Werdna OKI: i'm dog tired
Jenswicked2: the master usually stays up for hours on end
Werdna OKI: :-P
Werdna OKI: ttyl
Werdna OKI: and get some sleep yourself!
Jenswicked2: i will...
Jenswicked2: if i can.
Werdna OKI: bye!
Jenswicked2: muhahahha!
Jenswicked2: bye!
*hehehe
*sigh* Only a couple more days...I wanna go home!!!! Reminder....don't listen to hardcore music when upset..makes you more upset...
I seriously was on the verge of breaking my fist earlier...I had to get off of the computer for a second when I was talking to Dave and go puch my wall...it hurt...but felt good to vent that anguish....
Once again..turmoil...nothing can ever be at piece in this Libra's life..Rose said some really awful things to dave..and as most of you know....there are three things you don't do to me...one of which is: DO NOT MESS WITH MY FAMILY
and as far as I am concerned...Dave is my family...and you mess with him you mess with me...I know I just need to disregard her childish behavior..and I need to just get over it...but every time I think of how she was trying so desperately to hurt him...I sear....
Not just that! I am still in Boise..and she has the number from 2 years ago...and apparently..dave and her got into that tiff..and she called me to try and aggravate me too...fuck that shit..I am better than that....so I just told gram if she calls again, tell her not to call there anymore..and that she has no business talking to me. So, that takes care of that...
God the vindictiveness...and malice should really stop. When it was just she and I arguing...I didn't really mind the malice so much. In fact, I grew to expect it...but now it is not just me...it is all three of us...Rose, Dave and I......and I will not tolerate someone trying to manipulate my boyfriend into not caring about me by telling him lies.
God damn it I hate this society some times...when did it become okay for a girl to betray her best friend and have it be brushed aside as 'a chick thing'? I would never do that to someone...yes..i regret how dave and I happened...and I regret it hurt her..but i cant apologize because I have him..and he makes me sublimely happy...
My mood swings today have been so sparatic that I don't even know which way is up right now..
I am actually now listening to a song called "To a husband at war" and since I am tired..I will close with the lyrics from this song....
"your things are here....but you're over there and in between land, sea, everything. I hope you're warm..I hope you think of me and the way things used to be.
Yesterday, a telegraph said that you had died, but i knew, but i know that it was a lie. I tried to laugh, but went back to my room and cried. I mean our room...I went back to our room and cried...Retreat..and come back home."~I hate myself
Love you all! night!
xxoooxoxoxo
current mood: discontent
current music: I hate myself- This isn't the Tenka-ichi-Budoki
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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11:06 pm - Home at grams!
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I dont have much to say....cept I am getting realllly anxious about coming home.....more so than before....lol....I'm pathetic...
Thinking of all my past wrongs..and all my wrong presents....i log off.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Jewel-Painters
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12:55 am - *****Yawwwwwwwn******
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It's 1..something in the morning...I need to be up in 3 and a half hours...blah.
Any how...
Dave....
I miss him soo much..I told him some things about me tonight that I have never breathed to anyone in the world (except maybe heather...but maybe not in such depth). Our topics ranged from Tyler and I...to food..And I realized something tonight while talking to him...
I have no reason to be ashamed of who I am anymore...that tiny, shy, lonely little girl is gone and in her place....is a strong, capable loving woman....and I have someone's hand to hold...someone to truly stand at my side and say they love me...without consequence, and without reservations. I know when David tells me he loves me...it's for no other reason, than he does. That is a very new..and very powerful thing for me.
Also I was thinking...(this prior entry has been edited due to the complaint of those who shall remain anonymous. They know who they are. For future reference, this will not happen again. I will write what I want to write, when I want to write it)
Back to David....oh! We got a House! Three bedroom..two bath.....Joey is moving in with us in Huntington Beach....and that means we will all have a blast....joey kicks serious ass....But hehe Dave is gonna help me paint my room and bathroom before we move out. Yes, Nana is staying in the house....but she is going to have her Godchildren living with her...Painting with dave will be a blast...I am going to paint him from his head to his toes...lol!
Ugh...I'm talking to Andrew about how much everything has changed since last year....god it is so different....Cliques withtin cliques..friends becoming strangers...strangers becoming friends.....the whole two year experience has been a roller coaster...on EVERYONE's behalf....
God...It feels so good to be starting a new life...I have those who support me and are remaining firmly in my grasp...and then there are those who don't even know I have been gone for 20 days.....It feels great to have a new house...a new boyfriend...new friends....new new new.....Im scared....lol...I'm really fucking scared....but I wont be for long..I have dave....and thats all I need...listen to me..I am being a sap!!! I'm done with that....
anyhow...
I am going back to grams today....(been here since sunday)tonight at 7 or 8:30 pm....her back is feeling muh better....she has meds...and physical therapy for it... I am glad she is feeling better...and when i get home...we are going to go shoppin and look for daves birthday present..well...the rest of it....
Anyway...for now..I need to go....work starts soon...love ya'll!!
current mood:  weird
current music: Jimmy eat world- Hear you me
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